The War That Continues Ending All Wars
by Weasley-Black.Inc
Summary: Sequel to "The War to End All Wars"! The prank war rages on, covering all of Hogwarts and more. But who's sanities - and lives - will it cost?
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE

It was one of the more grey days outside Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. A certain pigeon, who had just recently graduated from Remedial Pigeon School, was quite happy at this moment, for it was perched on a lovely little lamppost, looking cheerfully inside the window. At his time there was some sort of orderly mess going on, with a witch with a tight bun and a man with a white beard trying to straighten out the mess.

Now, as the pigeon had attended Remedial Pigeon School, he knew this was probably nothing to worry about, and also that life-changing events _may actually go on _(Lesson 1 of Remedial Pigeon School _there always may be life changing events._). Thus, he decided to watch...

"ORDER! ORDER!" McGonagall shouted, banging her invisible gavel. "Teachers, come to order!"

"Lemon drop?" said Dumbledore mildly to Flitwick.

"Certainly," said Flitwick cheerfully, accepting it and sucking it happily.

"OI!" McGonagall said.

"Since when do you say 'oi'?" asked Flitwick curiously.

"I think she learned over the summer," said Dumbledore pleasantly.

McGonagall sighed. "All staff accounted for?"

"Snape isn't here," whined Burbage.

"Snape is busy," said Dumbledore.

"It's the first staff meeting of the year," said McGonagall exasperatedly. "He should be here."

"Rest assured, I shall catch him up," said Dumbledore. "Carry on, Minerva. The agenda?"

"Very well," She nodded. "As some of you might have already have guessed, we are on the verge of a war. Now-"

"War?" cried Sprout.

"Not _that _war," said McGonagall exasperatedly.

"Which war?" Binns cocked his transparent head.

"When did you get here?" asked Flitwick.

"Ever hear of floating?" Binns snapped.

"I got into Pottermore!" shouted Trelawny suddenly.

Everyone stared at her.

"..Oh the wonders of a parody," she added quickly.

"Anyways..." McGonagall redirected everyone's attention. "But yes, we are in a war."

"A prank war," specified Burbage.

"It is highly distr - " McGonagall began.

"I'm on Team United Oranges!" said Sprout brightly.

Everyone looked at her.

"What?" she asked innocently. "Fred and George are on that team."

"Well," Flitwick said squeakily. "As I recall, Sirius and Remus we exceptionally good pranksters when they were students here."

"I remember all too well," muttered McGonagall darkly, touching a scar on her temple that had never quite worn away.

"May as well start to pick sides," Madam Pince murmured.

"We are TEACHERS," cried McGonagall. "I called this meeting to put a STOP to this madness. Think about what this prank war has already done to the school!"

There was a silence.

"It seems to annoy Umbridge," said Flitwick lightly.

"I repeat," McGonagall said darkly. "We are mature teachers. None of this foolishness should be taking place at such a highly praised school - "

"This could be some fun," Hooch chimed in. "We haven't had much entertainment since He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named returned."

"I will have no memory of any of my teachers ever deciding to take part in such amusing foolishness, if the matter happens to come up," said Dumbledore inanely.

"What are you saying, sir?" McGonagall looked at the headmaster worriedly.

Dumbledore said nothing, only sucked a lemon drop without looking at anyone.

"Well, in any case," said Firenze decisively, setting his hooves on the table, "I am on the Nightcaps of Doom."

"I will be on The Nightcaps of Doom, as well." Hagrid said firmly.

Everyone looked at him. "How long have you been standing there?" asked Sprout.

"This 'ole time," said Hagrid cheerfully.

There was a silence.

McGonagall sighed resignedly. "As devoted as I was to the Marauders, in their time," she said wearily, "I do suppose I should not be biased and go with the UNITED ORANGES."

There was applause. "Me too," said Vector and Hooch at once.

"Well," said Professor Burbage, "I will be on the Nightcaps of Doom!"

"Two exclamation points?" said Binn dryly, with no exclamation points at all. "I'll be on the Oranges, I think.."

"As will I," Grubbly-Plank yawned.

"I," said Professor Sinistra softly, tucking her dark black hair behind her ear, "will favor the Nightcaps of Doom." She smiled.

"I will, too," said Flitwick cheerfully.

"As will I," said Pince quietly, looking surprised at herself.

Dumbledore looked at his staff with a hint of amusement. "Well, I think that concludes the meeting."

McGonagall looked at him and sighed. "Did we really just spend a whole meeting based on choosing which side of the prank we should be on?"

"Why, yes," said Dumbledore lightly, chucking a candy wrapper neatly in the bin. "I believe we did."

"WAIT!" came a sudden loud voice from the back of the room.

The professors turned around to see the former headmaster Phineas Nigellus Black in a portrait of a green witch riding a broomstick. "A green witch?" said McGonagall dubiously.

"Over the summer," said Mr. Black crisply, "I was forced to endure endless discussion of this ridiculous prank war. And so, mostly to go against my shame of a great-grandson , I will be joining the United Oranges."

"Adjourned!" said Dumbledore grandly.

_Meanwhile, in a Macy's.._

"Which color do you think will go with my skin tone?" asked the large woman with too much eyeliner to the make-up clerk.

The man turned around with his snake-like eyes and looked at her piercingly.

"Darling," he drawled, "you are a _winter._" He reached for something under the counter. "Try this on, love, won't you? Oh - excuse me." The song "Defying Gravity" began playing at full blast, and the clerk reached lazily for his cell phone. "Lucius? I'm at work."

"My Lord?" Lucius's voice rang out. "Where are you?"

"Working," Voldemort said with a shrug. "Need to bring in the pounds somehow."

"Um," Lucius said unsurely. "And what exactly am I talking to you on?"

"Um, I'm not really sure, to be completely honest. But look, Luce, this poor woman thinks she's a summer, yeah? So I'll call you back, darling."

"DID YOU JUST CALL - "

_Click._

"Now," Voldemort turned back to the woman. "Winter is totally your thing.."

* * *

**Hi! We're still alive! Sorry this took long, we're a bit lazyyy. :P Muahhahaa. We hope you enjoyed Voldemort calling Lucius "daaaaaahling" xD and we hope you review! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

It was a perfectly ordinary day in Hogwarts. The sun had finally peered from behind the curtain of rain that had plagued the castle all week, and sunshine was flooding into the long stone corridors like water, cheering everyone up a little - just a little.

In this current time, it did happen to be break, so most of the students were in their common rooms or outside. No one was in the hallways.

Which was really very good.

Hermione leaned casually against a stone wall, looking around. She whistled softly to herself, looking completely innocent and very unsuspecting.

She raised her wand to her lips. "Are you in position?" she muttered, not looking up.

"No!" came a frantic whisper. "I'm not! I got stuck in a pie!"

"How did you manage that?"

"Because of our pr - "

"Shh! Announce it to the world, why don't you, Lavender?" Hermione scowled. She didn't really want Lavender Brown on her team, to be perfectly honest. Lavender Brown did not know the first thing about pranking. Not that she, Hermione, did know anything but pranking, but still. At least she could _follow directions._

"All right, I'm sending backup," Hermione mumbled into the wand. A few moments of hastiness later, everything was in position.

"On three," whispered Hermione. "Three - two - one - "

There was a great rumbling sound, like thunder or dinosaurs that somehow survived the Dinosaur Apocalypse. Hermione smiled, then ran.

_A few moments before..._

"Honestly, Colin," Fred said, grinning. "This would be a great opportunity for you. I mean joining The United Oranges, you would make front page of the _Daily Prophet._Someone else would be snapping that camro-thing for you."

Colin squirmed in his seat. "I dunno.." He bit his lip. "I mean it's a bit dangerous, right? What if I get hurt? Or get into trouble?"

George sighed next to Fred. "We need more numbers," he said. "We have so few people."

"Are there any health benefits?" Colin perked up, slightly.

There was a moment of silence.

"I don't really know how to respond to that," Fred said frankly.

Suddenly, there was a crashing sound like a meteorite just hit Hogwarts.

"George?" said Fred after a moment of silence.

"Fred?" replied George.

"I believe we have been outpranked."

"I was thinking the same exact thing. I suggest we run."

"Agreed. You coming, Colin?"

"Um - "

"RUN!" yelled George, and all three of them promptly turned on their heels and flitted in the other direction.

Hermione smiled, hitching herself out of the way as an ocean of pie filling came crashing down through the corridors of Hogwarts, in a way she before would've protested until her very hair fell out. But with the prank war, Umbridge, and in general wanting to beat Ron - the United Oranges, she didn't mind as much as she thought she would.

"Mission accomplished," she whispered into the wand. "Meet you in the Hall in ten."

"Meet you there."

First blood was theirs.

Sirius leaned against the wall of the kitchen in Grimmauld Place, biting down gently on his lip as he read and reread the letter.

_Dear Snuffles, _it went, in Harry's familiar messy handwriting.

_We followed the instructions you sent us to the letter, and EVERYTHING WORKED OUT PERFECTLY. The halls of Hogwarts are absolutely flooded right now. It's really really fantastic._

_Our new Defense teacher reminds me so much of your mother, I can't even tell you. I'm sure I feel to her just as you did to your mother, maybe even more so. If only I could treat her like you treat your mother. That would be good._

_We're wondering if you have any news on our tall friend. He's been gone for awhile now._

_First week back is over now. Would've been terrible if it wasn't for the prank today. That was gold._

_Have you ever liked a girl who you have no chance at all? Um, Ron wants to know._

**I do not!**

_Get out of my letter, Ron._

**Harry likes Cho - ARrgh let go of the -**

_That was nothing. That was stupid. I don't know any Cho. None at all and if you tell Fred and George this, I'll kill you ANYWAYS_

_Hermione's been acting really weird. She's really into this prank thing. I'd've thought she'd be ripping us apart when we told her about your letter but she was good with the idea. In fact she headed us in strategy. I'm slightly worried._

_Hope you're not too tired of that old place. Write back soon,_

_-Harry_

_PS: Just thought I should let you know, but that thing that I wrote to you about last summer happened again last night when I was with my Defense teacher. Just letting you know._

Sirius sighed and folded the letter, placing it in the pocket of his robes. He closed his eyes for a moment, wishing impossible things. He wished he was there, in Hogwarts, with the prank war. He wished he could leave the stupid house.

But he couldn't, so he decided to fire-call Harry later that night. His scar was hurting, and he wanted to talk to him.

He smiled slightly, scanning the letter again. Harry liked a girl named _Cho. _There were quite a few stories (mainly on James and Lily) that he could tell him about liking girls you never had a chance with..

"ARrrrgh, me hearties!" yelled Voldemort, sweeping across the sea. The wind in his face felt glorious. His red eyes burned with the salty water but he felt like he was flying. "!" he repeated joyfully.

He'd been fired from Macy's after he'd made someone cry, so to pass the time until he figured out what to do with Scarhead, he'd taken up a career as a pirate.

""AaaaaaaaaaaaarrrGHHHHHHHHHHH!" he repeated happily.

Suddenly he saw another pirate ship, looming in the distance.

He gulped.

**A/N: We cannot apologize enough for not updating this story. We are (mostly me) enjoying summer vacation and have not have the energy to put this up. THE GOOD NEWS! (there is no bad news, btw.) Is that we do have another chapter ready to be put up, as well. (after some minor editing.) So, look for that, mates! Enjoy :)**


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

"Pie," Ginny said, examining her her creamed covered arms.

"Pie," most of the United Oranges repeated, also covered in creams of different flavors.

"Do you reckon that if we had a UO professor right now, the Nightcaps of Doom would get detention?" George wondered aloud.

Everyone murmured in agreement.

"'SCUSE ME! COMING THROUGH!" An irritated female voice shouted.

Fred and George turned to see who it was; a cream-covered, angry Angelina Johnson appeared in front of the twins. She smelled vaguely of lemon-meringue.

"Angelina," Fred said, pleasantly. "always good to see you."

Angelina scowled. "You do know that half your prank team is covered in various flavored cream pie filling?"  
"Actually," piped Colin from behind Ron. "I'm not part of the United Tangerines."

Ignoring Colin, "We didn't notice it before, but now you mention it..." Ginny drawled, sarcastically.

Fred shot her a look. "Yes, Angelina, we see."

"And this also means that we are behind by one, yes?" She cocked an eyebrow.

George nodded slowly. "Speaking of losing a point, where is Dobby?"

A bemused look crossed the faces of the UO.

"I'm coming!" A wispy voice echoed the hallways. "I'm _coming_." And sure enough, Luna was there waving a piece of parchment.

"Loon-I mean, Luna?" Ron's eyebrows furrowed. "What are you doing here? You're not part of any team."

"Ooh, I know. I'm part of the Scorekeeping Department. I'm the scorekeeper for every prank that goes on in Hogwarts." Luna smiled delicately.

"Bu-" Ginny started.

"OI!" Hermione's laughing voice came from the opposite end of the corridor.

Everyone looked up to find the NOD coming sauntering up to them, Paravti and Padma waving a flag that had a blue nightcap and pink bunny slippers. "Looks like everything worked out quite perfectly, then."

"_You_ were the mastermind behind this?" Ron said, his ears bright red.

"Um," Harry said, stepping out beside Hermione. "Our leader was."

"Hermione just executed it." Cormac McLaggen put a hand on Hermione's shoulder.

Hermione brushed off his hand, clearly abashed, while Ron shot him a look.

"Well, Granger," Fred gave a small smile. "We always knew we had in you, but we thought you join the sides of your role models."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Yes, because, I always admired your ameture pranks."

"We-" started George.

"Oh, lay off of her." Ron interrupted. Digressing from the banter, "Luna, what's the score so we can go clean up?"

"Certainly," Luna said. Six to five, NightCaps of Doom."

A shout of happiness erupted from NOD's side.

"Oh, by the way," Hermione ambled forward. "The smell might last a little longer than intended. S-I mean our leader says this is payback from the permanent spell."

Ginny's face turned crimson. "I-I thought-I didn't mean-"

"Drop it, Gin," George said tersely, the UO narrowed their eyes at the NOD and then turned dramatically on their heels.

The NOD continued their shouts of excitement and praises when a high-pitched voice broke the shouts and the bad mood the UO were in.

"WHAT IS GOING ON?" Harry's eyes widened as the lady in the pink suit witnessed the pie-covered wizards walking off.

The UO stopped in their tracks and turned to face a bright red Professor Dolores Umbridge.

Tension and silence filled the room.

"..."

"Er," said Fred. "We were eating pie, and Ginny 'ere was practicing some jinxes. And accidently one of them backfired."

The NOD nodded in concord.

"And why," Umbridge turned to the Patel twins. "Are you waving a flag that has a nightcap on it?"

"She was showing everyone her fantastic, er, sewing skills." Harry said, coming in front of the Umbridge.

She raised an eyebrow skeptically. "This won't happen again, I expect better from some of the seventh years out here."

"Yes, Professor Umbridge." Everyone promised.

After one last scornful look, she walked away.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Silence and Tension skipped out of the corridor. And it was filled with celebration shouts and sighs of relief.

"Way to make me that bad guy," Ginny swatted her brother on the way back to their common room.

Fred gave her an apologetic grin. "Sorry, it was the best I could come up with."

"Fred, mate," Seamus tapped him on the shoulder. "You know we can't let Umbridge get a whiff of this prank war, right?"

Fred groaned inwardly. "Yes, a giant prank war that involves every wizard-"

"Not me," Colin chimed in.

Fred shook his head. "If pranks make as much noise as they did today..."

The UO shuddered in unison. "Umbridge will chop us up and put us in her cats' litter box." Dean finished cheerfully.

The UO gave a shaky laugh. "I'm hoping to avoid getting fed to abnormal cats."

_Meanwhile_...

Remus paced around Sirius' study. "Well?"

"Well what, Moony? We have no way of getting into Hogwarts. _You _can't, and I can't, WHO CAN?!"

"Maybe if I had my Fiber One bars..."

"Oh, speaking of delicious fiber," Sirius rubbed his hands together, in a sudden change of character. "Tonks bought us some of the Fiber One cereal...we should invest in the company!"

"We don't invest in anything, Padfoot."

"I have money! Loads of - "  
"_Listen to yourself._"

Sirius stroked his nonexistant beard. "Shut up," he decided.

"Did you say Tonks, by the way?" said Remus casually.

Sirius raised his eyebrows.

Remus examined the rug. "We need a new rug."

The rug was very offended.

"I did," said Sirius. "I did say Tonks. Whyyyyy d'you ask?"

Just then, there was a knock on the door of Sirius's study. "Hey, Sirius?" came a familiar voice.

Sirius shot Remus a grin. A look of dawning came across Remus's face, quickly followed by complete and total PANIC.

"Yeah, come on - OW!"

For, in a mad dash, Remus had knocked Sirius out of desk chair and taken refuge under the desk.

"Hey," Tonks greeted, walking through the door. "Can I-" She stopped when she saw Remus under the desk.

"Um," Remus said lamely. "Hi." He shot a desperate look at Sirius.

And Sirius, who was carefully examining a lock of his hair, didn't notice Remus' meaningful look until Remus cleared his throat very loudly.

"Oh!" Sirius said suddenly. "Remus and I were playing hide and seek. Our favorite pastime when we were younger." He bent down next to Remus. "FOUND YOU!"

Remus suppressed the urge to give Sirius a slap, instead he faked surprised. "Aw, c'mon! I thought no one knew about this hiding place!" he said quite cleverly.

Sirius sighed and offered a hand to help him up, Remus gratefully took it.

"So you blokes were playing hide-hide and seek?" Tonks repeated bemusedly.

Sirius nodded cheerfully. Remus just stood there, eyes averted.

"Huh," she muttered. "Anyways, I wanted to tell you, Sirius, that Umbridge is teaching D.A.D.A. this year."

Sirius raised his eyebrows, forgetting all about their alibi. "Dolores Umbridge from the Ministry of Magic?"

"That's the one."

Remus stepped back. "_Her?_ Dumbledore would never-"

"That's the thing," Tonks interrupted. "He would never pick-"

"This is good," Sirius rubbed his hands together and grinned at the two. "This is very good."

"_Good?_" repeated Tonks. "She's a monster, Harry wrote to you saying what happened with the pie prank, she could ruin _everything_."

Sirius continued to grin. Remus looked at him funnily.

"Are you suggesting-?"

"Why, yes, Moony. That's _exactly_ what I'm suggesting." Tonks gave both men weird looks. "I'm gonna go eat some of the Fiber One cereal, it being brain food and all."

"Sirius, I don't think-" But Sirius already left the study and started to hum a vague tune.

Remus and Tonks stood alone in the room. _Alone._

"So, um...I heard Facebook is on the stock market." Remus scratched the back of his head.

"I also heard that they're not doing too well," Tonks added.

"Wait...what are we talking about?" Remus asked.

"Um..."

"..."

"..."

"I'm gonna go-" Remus pointed to the door.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go-" She pointed towards the window, not really sure why she was pointing the window.

Remus hastily left the room and Tonks went to the window, not really sure why, and let out a shaky sigh.

* * *

**Awh, they're so cute :)**

**Sorry it's been so long. Please review!**


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

Harry was heading back from detention, massaging his aching hand. He hadn't told Sirius about what had happened, because he half-suspected Sirius would come barging into the school at the notice.

_She's evil, _he thought, climbing the stairs. _She's evil, mad, twisted, insane, she's - _

"Ron?"

Out of the corner of his eye, he'd spotted Ron, who appeared to be hiding behind the statue of Lachlan the Lanky. He peered behind it.

"Oh hello Harry," said Ron. "What are you, um, doing here?"

"What are you doing..here? Hiding behind a statue?"

"Nothing," said Ron quickly. "I just sort of hang out behind statues things. It's like, it's a Weasley thing. Fred and George and Ginny and I, when we're bored, we just hide behind statues."

Harry blinked.

"It's a redhead thing, you wouldn't understand," said Ron, getting out from behind the statue.

"I have _never _seen Ginny hiding behind a statue," said Harry, helping him to his feet. "Especially not with a broomstick."

"If you - must - know," said Ron, going red, "I was..hiding. From Fred and George."

Harry looked left, then looked at Ron very suspiciously. "Is this is a prank war thing?"

"No no," said Ron quickly, going more deeply red. "I was - all right, fine, I thought I might try out for Keeper, now that I've got a decent broom and there's a slot open. There. Laugh."

Harry, though, was grinning. "I'm not going to laugh!" he said. "I think it's brilliant."

Color was returning to Ron's face. "You - what?"

"That's fantastic! Are you any good?"

"I'm decent, I guess. My brothers always made me Keep for them before."

Harry rubbed his chin, pondering this newfound idea of Ron being Keeper. "Try out, Ron, I mean there's no guarantee you'll become Keeper, but it would be absolutely brilliant if you did make it." Harry gave a crooked smile.

Ron rubbed the back of his neck, going slightly red again. "Probably won't make it," he said as they set off down the hall. "What with the war, and - hey, what happened to your hand?"

Harry quickly stuffed his hand in his robe pocket, but it was too late. Ron seized it and looked at it, then back at Harry, sickened.

"I thought she was making you do lines?"

"She, ah, was, technically," said Harry tentatively. And, taking a deep breath and because Ron had been honest with him, he closed his eyes and told his friend everything - about Umbridge's quill, the truth of it, about what he had done, about what _had _been going on for the past week..

When he finally talked himself into silence, Ron was staring at him in utter disbelief. "Harry," he said, voice unusually and un-Ronly serious, "Harry, mate.. you need to go to Dumbledore.."

They had approached the Fat Lady. "I'm not going to Dumbledore," said Harry, voice coming out stronger than he'd thought it would. "What's Dumbledore going to do?"

"Er, _sack her?"_

"Look, if he could sack her, he would have already. Something else is going on, Ron. Something bigger than Dumbledore. And I'm not going to dis - "

"He'd _want _ - "

"You sound like Hermione - "

"Well maybe you should - "

"_Are _either of you going to give me the password?" inquired the Fat Lady dryly.

The bickering boys looked at her, "Sorry," they both muttered, Ron proceeding to give the password ("Mimbulus minbolenita").

The portrait swung open, allowing them to pass. Ron lowered his voice, "All I'm saying is, if you tell Dumbledore she'll be gone and your hand will stop being _tortured_."

Harry shook his head, "No, Ron. Dumbledore has bigger issues at hand."

"And your hand actually has issues," Ron muttered darkly.

"Look, can you just drop it?" said Harry, a little bit terse now. "I'm not telling him, all right? It'll be fine, I'll just - stay out of trouble, not get any more detentions. We all have bigger things to focus on right now anyways."

Ron sighed, but surrendered the issue. "Hey, what team is the Fat Lady on?" he asked, sliding back into conversation of the Other War.

"The United Oranges," said Harry ruefully.

"Good," said Ron with a grin. The two looked at each other suspiciously for a second.

"Yknow," said Harry after a moment, "it's a bit weird, all things considered, that we're on different teams."

"It is," yawned Ron. "I'm going to bed, Harry. G'night."

"G'night." They walked up the dormitory in silence, and both fell into bed and to sleep immediately.

Voldemort had been fired from being a pirate (or, he accidentally stole Helen of Troy.) Thus, he had taken up a different job. He was now an associate at Harrod's.

"Foolish Muggles," he muttered furiously. He was on a break now. Well, not technically. Supposedly he was supposed to be _helping customers. _Like he, Lord Voldemort, had time to help foolish Muggles. He was Lord Voldemort. He took breaks when he wanted to..or else it was _the universe _that was taking a break.

He was sitting in the staff room, white feet up on another chair, clicking away on a telephone, trying to figure out how it worked. Stupid Muggle devices. Stupid Muggles!

The door creaked open. "Tom," came an angry voice, "you can't just keep taking breaks whenever you feel like it."

Voldemort glared at the petty sales boss. "I thought I told you to address me as Lord Voldemort!"

The sales boss sighed wearily. "Look, Tom, this is your fourteenth break in an hour. You're sacked, all right?"

Voldemort gasped in outrage. "You can't sack me! _Aveda kedavra!" _He escaped out of a window like a squirrel, cackling to himself. Oh, how evil he was, Harry Potter was practically his..!


End file.
